Interlude: Chapter 28.5

I missed my horse. It was a ridiculous thought to have, but I had trained it for years, until it did exactly as I wished by pure instinct. Even though I'd been riding this one for nearly two months now, it just wasn't the same.

But it's not as if I had a real choice. My old horse, my old armour, my old weapons, my personal guard, were all out of reach from me now. Even my former right hand now belonged to Eirwen, eagerly acting as her left. All symbols of how I truly had given up my past, to make sure nobody could properly insinuate that I might turn on Eirwen.

I just had to make do with what I now had. Taran had given me a wonderful greatsword forged in the western style, one that would serve me well in the mountains. The horse was getting used to me. And my new armour ensured I didn't need to use the Carraig Defence in every fight.

While everyone prepared for our trip, Aoife came over and greeted Eirwen. The signs were subtle, but I could recognise the impact their night together had had on the two of them. A burden lifted from their hearts. Plenty left though. As if she could hear me think about them, Aoife made her way to me. I nodded her way. "Morning, Aoife."

She nodded in turn. "Weapon master. A private word, please." I knew at once what she meant and called upon mana to stifle our surroundings, blocking everyone out. At once, dozens and dozens of people looked our way. Eirwen's eyes had that measuring look in them where she was studying a new toy, trying to figure out how it worked and what games she could play with it.

Putting that aside, I focused on Aoife with a teasing smile. "Here to brag, or to skewer me for keeping secrets?" She rolled her eyes at me, though I could tell there was still pain hidden behind them. Of course it had hurt her, to hide my feelings from her. Maybe if I had admitted them before, she would have been able to move on.

"We both know I'm not the type to brag." A playful grin slipped on her face. "Is that why you didn't admit your feelings for me? Afraid I'd rub salt into her wounds?"

I shrugged. "I mean, you did show up in white to prove that you loved me more."

That actually caused her to blush. She looked rather cute like that, sputtering objections. "That was your fault! If you had properly rejected me... Also, it wasn't a competition. And she won it effortlessly anyway."

She sighed deeply. "Shield." Wordlessly, I raised my shield to be level with her face. She took hold of it and leaned her head against it. Enough teasing, right now she needed my support. I couldn't offer her my shoulder in public, just like during the war, so the old solution it was.

She stayed silent for a bit, the subtle clench of her fingers the only thing truly betraying her struggle. When their grip lessened, I knew she had gathered herself again, though she still held on. Most likely to hide her face from me.

Her breath sounded rough and soft at the same time. "You look guilty. I kind of like it. It's the one proof that you do care, that you always did. It's not as deep as how you look at her, but it's close." A chuckle. "She actually told me. That in my spy report, the guilt in your writing was second only to her own. She actually brought me to tears with that. Even after I had shown up in white, she still comforted me by ensuring me you had actually cared for me."

I grimaced at the thought of that scene. In but a single day, Eirwen had treated Aoife more fairly than I had during the entire war. No wonder then, how deeply Aoife had fallen for Eirwen as well. I would have felt jealous, if I had any right to it. And after I figured out who to feel jealous about. Both?

Interrupting my thoughts, Aoife raised her head and let go of the shield. "You do owe me, for everything you did and didn't do. So I have a simple demand. Bed her already. Enough of the slow courting. If the two of you aren't shining bright with joy once you return, I'm stealing her from you."

I probably should have actually felt jealous at that idea. But no, it just made me smile. "I have no intention of letting that happen, unfortunately, though I'm convinced you'd succeed. But I do have to ask, what if we do return together?"

Aoife grinned, which suited her far better. "Then I'm pursuing both of you instead. But if you don't properly get with her, I'm choosing her over you."

I suspect guilt and worry flashed through my eyes, as hers turned serious. "She wants this. So do you. So do I. So you'd better properly resolve yourself. It doesn't matter how, we're going to make this work."

What else could I do but nod, when faced with such determination. It reminded me of what Róisín had told me. Even if I truly didn't deserve to hold hope and happiness, I had even less right to deny it to others. So if both the holder of my heart and my beloved adjutante wanted this, my guilt didn't get to have a say in this.

"Don't worry. I already made plans long ago. And thanks to you, I don't have to hold back any more. You really helped her mental state, so I won't have to handle her with care." A thin blush crept up her cheeks as she realised what I meant. "Initially I had planned to take a few months, but now I can move faster, while we're both relatively sane."

Aoife's eyes narrowed at me. "I always thought you somehow were the exception, that you were handling the flame without madness. I was wrong, wasn't I? How did you manage?"

I laughed as I turned back to my horse, fixing its saddle. "Poorly. During my time with Eirwen, I got too used to being able to let go, freely using my flames. I had to restrain myself in the war, and even then my goals were the only way to keep going. Blazes, if I hadn't met her from time to time, I doubt I could have managed that well. Sure, her hatred tore into me, but it also helped me stay focused on my goal. To end the war as well as I could, no matter how."

"Heh." That was a sound filled with complicated emotions. I turned back to her, her visage showing I had heard right. A face no noble should ever show in public. It was a good thing I was blurring the air around us, offering her some privacy. Giving her a chance to be honest about her feelings. "I hated her for that, you know? Even though I suspected you enjoyed meeting her despite all that, and even though I thought the two of you were secretly sleeping with each other at times. But now I know better. She was the only one with the right to hatred."

Oh, that hurt. Sure, I felt the same. But hearing someone say it out loud was a painful confrontation all the same. Ignoring the effect she had on me, Aoife shrugged. "Well, we made it through. Now to repair the damage. Leave Iceheart to me, your job is to heal her heart of ice instead. Don't forget, if you mess this up, I'm not going to let that stop me from conquering her heart myself."

I smiled at that fierce declaration. "Very well. I will do my part. Good luck, Aoife. I know you will do fine."

That broke right through her bluster. The blush showed that yes, her feelings for me were all still there. Ones I had been too blind to see. She smiled at me with a beautiful brightness. "Good luck, your Grace."

My breath hitched at that, but she just smiled kindly. "We know who you are. No matter how you dress, no matter what name or moniker you use, you'll always be our Duke. She holds our oaths and loyalty, but the same still applies to you. In the service of the two of you, we will gladly burn the world down. You grew this fire too well for it to settle down just because you stopped feeding it."

Her eyes turned more resolute. "So just accept it. Accept that we all are rooting for the two of you. Accept that you too deserve to be happy. Accept that when you died our Duke, even if we didn't know, it's still something we will never forget. You are our liege as much as she is, even if we will never say so. A secret that we will take to our graves. So I say again, good luck, your Grace. May you find the happiness you truly do deserve."

She saluted me and walked away. As I let the hold on our surroundings slip away, I took firm grasp of my feelings instead, hiding it all even from my eyes. Just for a moment, just until my heart settled down. Until I could look at them all without grief on my face. Until I could smile the way they all deserved.

And maybe one day, I could feel worthy of their loyalty.