Interlude: Chapter 20.5

"I love you." Three simple words out of nowhere which froze me. Why say it with such pain? Before I could respond, she already cut her own head off. I didn't even see it roll before I woke from the dream. She died because of me. She killed herself because of me.

It was a dream, she's still alive.

And yet it was my fault. And theirs. The rage that came to me was familiar, as was my despair. Just like when I faced my father in that dream, I truly was still worthless. A snarl came to me as my feet sprung forward. If they hadn't gone after her, she never would have realised how I felt. For that alone, I needed to kill them all.

Easy. This is about keeping her safe, not revenge. 

Two flies can be swatted at the same time. I called upon flames and earth as I broke through the door. This would hurt me, but none of that mattered. Let the fire come and consume them, it wouldn't matter if I got hurt taking them down.

It matters to her. Take it easy. Buffer the fire. Grow. It gives control and will help with the fight.

As I kicked against the ground to move faster, to ensure I got to them before they could prepare, I let the mana spiral through me while absorbing most. From my feet and head to my centre, and at the same time all throughout my bones. Growing, feeling my clothing tighten and tear, becoming the monster they deserved to face.

Easy, easy. Slow the spirals down by draining the excess. Don't use too many, you will need the control later. It's okay if you're unstable, just make sure it leaks instead of explode.

To think there would be a time where I would welcome instability. She knew now. Knew I wished I had dared to die for her. But even now, I was too weak to release her, let her build a life without be. And now she knew. I had lost my chance to let her go, she made that abundantly clear. I had no right to be happy about that, yet here I was. On my way to face her enemies, yet part of me felt joy that they had made me bare my madness to her.

Call upon your armour once you reach their door. Don't bother securing your clothing. If any can Verglas you, kill them where they stand. Nothing else can harm you.

I ignored the shocked looks of the patrols as I rushed past. It would be too slow to take the stairs, costing me precious counts, so I jumped off a wall and flew to the balcony one floor down. The estate was sturdy enough that the floor barely noticed my landing and roll. But the soldiers ahead did and they instantly realised I was coming for them.

Focus. You need your flames. Keep your control. Restrict your senses. Take out the knights first.

The soldiers didn't expect me to just barrel past them, employing a temporary enhancement that nearly tore my muscles but let me smash through the doors. Father had made sure these were weak enough for him to break down. For once his paranoia proved useful. The shrapnel harmlessly slid off my skin, though it tore my clothing even further.

Twelve knights, three mages. Four if I included Ranulf. The most competent knights had already formed a first line of defence, roused by a warning they had likely not fully understood. It allowed me to take them out first. A quick step, an explosive swing of my right arm, and one already flew into another knight further back. The second man might get up later, but the first had too many smashed ribs to move any time soon.

They're weak. Forget defence. Keep moving. Flame the mages.

I used one arm to smash a knight's head against my knee, caving in his nose, while swinging my spare arm to throw flames towards two of the mages. A wasteful method which I could feel was tearing apart the pathways in the left side of my body. I would be paying the price for days to come. No matter.

Use your spirals. This way harms your control. We need them alive, for now. Quantity will suffice to force submission.

Honestly I didn't want to. I wanted to rampage, cut them all down, burn the entire area until there was naught but ash. But she needed them alive, to defend herself, defend me. I would have to kill them later, in a way that protected her name. To her, her name mattered. I was fine being rid of the shackle that was my own. But knowing she wanted me by her side, did mean my decision caused her problems still, so I had to lessen her burden.

I kept the mages suppressed, fire controlling their movements, while taking out knight after knight. After all the occasions, even recently, that I faced a large group of Verglas knights? These opponents were but child's play to take on. Eirwen hadn't yet fully realised, but the war had left both sides experienced veterans. Her combined forces were by far more dangerous than our dukedoms had been before the war.

Verglas knights are coming. They will fear you first. Llywelyn will resolve that, so use the lull in combat to burn the mages their mana. We need them helpless.

My pathways struggled but it was alright, my mana control was improving as I got my rage under control. I could ignore the knights, Llywelyn handled them. Focus on stably suppressing their corrupted mana. I had only used this method twice before, both times dealing with easier targets. I was still perfecting it. But I was fine with them suffering in the process.

She's coming. Let not a drop of mana slip into their control. She can handle the rest, so handle this and only this.

I was vaguely aware of Verglassed edges all around. On my side for once. Eirwen arrived, observed, spoke. I barely let any of it register, forcing myself to trust her and everyone else. My job was suppressing the mages, nothing else. 

"Bring it down, slowly."

I preferred not to, but she needed me at normal size by the time the court mages arrived. She was right, this would be a smart thing to hide. Belatedly, I barely managed to send her my agreement, then slowly began to unravel the enchantments I had built up inside. As my size went down, I could feel myself struggle with keeping the mana stable. I would need to kill some of them soon, before my control slipped too much.

The court mages arrived and I really wanted to split my focus to them. But from what little I could tell from the limited senses I maintained, the others were ready just in case. Good, so the training hadn't been for naught. I kept my ears open for the conversation, while constantly changing the way my flames burnt through my enemies their pathways, to make sure they couldn't find a gap to exploit.

One of the mages seemed to admire my technique. A time and a place, come on. He confirmed the mages could be killed and I instantly moved my flames to their heads, burning them up from the inside. Their lives didn't just fade away, it was far more sudden. A cruel but quick death, which finally allowed me to stop pushing myself beyond my limits.

Just one enemy left. I properly listened to the conversation while keeping him suppressed. When the crystal was brought over, Eirwen immediately began manipulating it. I studied it and her carefully, while hiding my annoyance at the royal representative still trying to drive a wedge between me and her.

While I studied her, she studied me, both of us curious about what the other was doing. And I could tell that we were both at our limits with the amount of focus we were putting in. I also noted signs of tension and my mouth went dry. She was suffering.

Focus! If you slip up, it will only make things worse for her! She needs to know she can fully depend on you, know you'll be safe while protecting her. You cannot support her until this is done.

I hated the thought, but I knew I had it right. She was a bowstring pulled tight right now, and every moment this continued she was more likely to break. But if she had to pull herself even tighter, that would only make it worse.

I hated that even after the war was over, she still had to fear assassination attempts. She was feared, so they wanted to weaken her, or get rid of her. Fools. She was only a threat if they made her one. But if this was how they were going to play it, I would have to start preparing countermeasures. With her blessing and full involvement, of course. The time for secrets was over.

She conversed with the Duke and Comte. I felt sorry for Ranulf's father, but I had to kill his son. When the Duke asked for evidence, I supplied my testimony, and my identity when he asked for it. It sufficed. I allowed Ranulf to speak to his father, a right which he abused to taunt both us and his father. I cut him short the very instant his father had enough of it.

While the Comte pleaded for a chance to take care of things himself, we had to decline. With a broken heart, he ordered me to kill his son. I instantly did so, understanding as well as he did that I didn't have to obey him, but we would pretend otherwise. He was the executioner, so blame for the act could not fall on house Verglas. A respectful decision. One day I should try to repay him for his honour and bravery.

He treated me with respect, wishing me well. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to say those words to the man that just killed his son. At least he had his Duke with him to support him. They broke the connection and the others left, until only Eirwen and I were left. And just like the previous time, as she collapsed mentally, I could do nothing for her but hold her tight.

I would have to figure out her enemies, prevent this from ever happening again. Talk to Bethan for ways to help Eirwen recover from her trauma. Support her, be by her side, accept that she would never let me go. But for now, all I could do was hold her as she wept in my embrace.