Chapter 13.2

The whole day, both Flameheart and Verglas people were flitting about the estate. Lady Róisín reported in every second bell, delivering quick reports and allowing Eirwen to ask questions. The majordoma was also providing additional info and context to her actions. A shame she hadn't passed that communication style onto her young master, Eirwen thought bitterly. Still, after the way he and the Carraigs had only given her what they felt comfortable with, it was nice to have someone just bare all she needed. There was no guesswork required when things were spelled out.

Bethan and Pertrellan joined her for lunch, but they didn't tease her this time. She had no idea why and part of her worried about it. Or maybe it was just because they too were extremely busy. They had started to receive reports from the Verglas territories, as well as from several Flameheart nobles. It seems that part of the council was cooperating. The others, who didn't send a message, likely had chosen to leave. Another form of silence came from his personal guard. No reports mentioned them at all. She wondered what they had chosen to do, or if they were still contemplating their options.

As for her weapon master, he remained in place. His small movements suggested he did some exercise, but he spent most of the day not moving at all. It was worrying her how even his senses were barely doing the minimum. It wasn't until the evening, when most from both sides were at dinner, that she could feel him begin to move. He hid his presence, requiring even her to pay detailed attention. She could feel him sneak through the estate, taking some secret passages and using gaps to avoid all Flameheart personnel. As for the Verglas troops, he moved in sync with those.

His goal was clear and he soon made it over to her office. Well, his study. He waited patiently outside and part of Eirwen found that suspicious. She called for him to enter, and even then he hesitated. As he finally entered, she looked in his eyes and froze. Those weren't the eyes of someone coming to her with want. That was resolve, masking his other emotions. He avoided looking in her eyes and knelt. "Greetings, your Grace." Not her name, not the warm tone from the day before, but a formal distance. She could already feel her heart break.

Eirwen wanted to shout at him, tell him not to dare, go berserk, anything to shut his mouth. But all she could do was freeze up. How many times did he have to break her heart until he was satisfied? How many times would she have to lose him, just as she was getting her hopes up again? She couldn't even curse his name, for he had none. All she could do was wait and hold out futile hope.

He kept his head down, a fist on the floor, as he broke the silence. "I apologise for last night, your Grace. I got caught up in the moment and behaved inappropriately. I promise it won't happen again." She could feel her heart shatter.

It took Eirwen multiple counts to respond, and even then her voice was small. "Why?" Even she couldn't figure out exactly what emotions were in her voice right now. He kept his head down, but she could tell from the trembling of his fist that he was hurting himself as well.

"Your Grace..."

She snapped. "Why! Why now, all of a sudden! And you dare look away from me? You swore no more secrets, so look me in the eyes and tell me your reason!"

He looked up at her and she snarled at the defences he had erected. "Concealing your emotions counts as lying. Face me for real. I have not permitted you to keep up a mask." He hesitated, then slowly undid his efforts to keep his emotions out of his face. Pain, love, fear, but most of all guilt. Not for what he was doing to her now, she could tell. So was that what this was all about? Their past?

She cursed as she looked him in the eyes, which immediately were filled with concern for her. Oh no, don't you dare. "You don't get to care about me when you're breaking my heart. Answer me. Why are you suddenly rejecting me? Yesterday, you hungered for me. If you wanted to, you could have me here and now. So what changed your mind? Answer!"

He flinched at her outburst. Ah, now his eyes were also showing guilt for his current acts. It still paled in comparison to the guilt he carried, though. She resigned herself. Her words weren't going to change his mind. But she was still going to make sure he knew just how much he was hurting her.

He reluctantly explained himself. "The sins I bear have not been forgotten purely because I forfeited my name, your Grace. The lives lost in the war will always stay with me. No path that I could chose will ever let me make sufficient amends for that. And that doesn't even include the way I have let you down. The likes of me doesn't deserve to be with you."

He stated his debt to her as secondary motive. Perhaps he wanted to actually believe it. She could see it in his eyes, though, that while he cared deeply about the blood that had been spilled, it hurt him far far more how he had let her down. The thing she had repeatedly cursed him for these past days, he cared even more about than Eirwen did. Because deep down, she understood why. Yet he would never forgive himself for it.

"So I don't get a say in that? Just another decision you're making in my stead. Because why would you ever actually care about me." Stop. She saw the pain flash in his eyes. "You swore yourself to me, yet my heart is but a toy for you. How fickle your own is." Stop. "What makes you think you have the right to decide for me?! I am your Duchess! And you-" STOP!

She held back the curse, barely, calling him a nameless without rights. If she used that against him, she would be crossing a line that one couldn't come back from. She closed her eyes and tried to calm her emotions. At first by being ice, but the hatred was already too deep in her. Better to lose oneself to the fire.

It took her a while, a period during which he remained entirely silent. As if he too understood she had almost crossed the point of no return, and stepping in might push her over the edge. When she opened her eyes, they held within a cold fury.

"You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for yourself. So I'm going to need you to think hard and make your choice. What do you love more? Me, or wallowing in your own guilt?" She looked him straight in the eyes as he squirmed and pondered that. 

His eyes were slowly growing towards resolving himself and she realised she didn't dare await the answer, too scared that pushing the issue now would forever ruin her chances. "Get out. Don't show your face to me again until someone manages to knock some sense into you."

Shock and shame flashed in his eyes, but Eirwen sat down and grabbed a ledger, ignoring his presence, concern, guilt, and whatnot. She didn't care about his emotions, why would she, when he cared not. At least, that was the lie she told herself, to keep herself from falling to pieces. After looking at her for a short while, he bowed and left the room, leaving behind a room that still smelled of him.

Eirwen held her head in her hands. That damned martyr syndrome. He knew he was hurting her but he truly had convinced himself it was better this way. Or maybe he just tried to make himself believe that, because if he admitted otherwise, then what had it all been for. But no, he wasn't getting away that easily. She couldn't reach him, but surely someone else could. Bethan wouldn't work, but maybe another... Ah, of course. She raised her head, a resolute look in her eyes, and reached out mentally to the person that could try to change his mind. 

Lady Róisín. My office, now.

She was done responding to his actions. Time to go on the offensive.