Chapter 26.2

Siress Nantgate came for an audience while Eirwen was in her office, no doubt to guarantee privacy during their talk. A clever act. When the knight was let inside, she gave a brief bow. "Greetings, your Grace. There is something I would like to ask you. May I speak freely?"

No hesitation. Good. It seemed the knight had spent this long to gather her resolve with good cause. Eirwen allowed a playful smile to slip on her face. "Go ahead."

A quick nod. "Thank you, your Grace. I was wondering. In recent days, we have observed you struggling with your emotions. During your rule, you always kept control, suppressing your every emotion. On the rare occasion that you faltered, you responded with getting even colder, to ensure control. Yet recently, you haven't done so. And while I can understand this is related to your use of flame mana, it is a fact this use is excessive and something you have chosen yourself."

Eirwen resisted the urge to applaud. The knight had observed her well and had drawn all the right conclusions. Instead of speaking, she nodded for Nantgate to continue. "You told us so yourself, your Grace, that we should be tempered carefully. That the fire should be built up slowly. Yet you rush straight into it, causing your control to slip, then never take the precautions needed to regain it. That is a deliberate act. Knowing that, I was hoping you would explain me your motives."

Eirwen's smile turned large, showing her amusement. "I do have to say, the weapon master really has a bad influence on my personal knights. For years you served me faithfully, yet after spending time with him, first Sir Caerbychan and now you treat me with impudence. I wonder how many more of my knights he intends to corrupt."

Nantgate turned pale just a little, not having expected that reply. "I apologise if I was too forward, your Grace."

Eirwen shook her head. "No need. I am proud, not mad. As I told Sir Seabhac, I need people by my side that are capable of questioning me. I'd be an utter hypocrite to then tell you off for being exactly that." She tapped the desk, going through the question, thinking of what to reply. As she pondered that, she subtly sensed her surroundings with great care, finding her weapon master secretly observing the room with far more focus than he normally did. Ah, very well. Full honesty it was.

She let the smile return to her face. "There are three reasons for my acts. First of all, you are entirely correct. If I really wanted to, I could get myself back under control quite easily. Either by decreasing how much flame mana I use, or by sealing my emotions whenever I feel myself falter, like how I have done for years. But there is a problem with that approach, Siress. I simply don't want to."

A touch of cold slipped into her voice. "More than four years, Siress Nantgate. That is how long I was forced to keep my emotions behind a mask. How long I had to stay strong, never falter, never hesitate. I couldn't even mourn my parents. Couldn't discuss my nightmares. Seven people knew how frequently I had them, less knew why. Not even my advisors could know, because even to them, I had to remain strong. That was the price I paid for trying to lead a dukedom in war."

She rose to her feet and looked Nantgate in the eye. "So my first reason is simple. I don't want to hide my emotions any more. For the first time in years, I can afford to show a sign of weakness. I can be a normal person, a young woman in love, rather than the Duchess of Ice. Because even if you all know I suffer, it won't cause us to lose a war. Just for now, I can actually falter. And I refuse to let my pride take that away from me."

At first, Nantgate looked surprised at that. Then the thinking started. Soon, her expression turned into a sly smile. "I guess it's good to relax once in a while. Very well, your Grace. And your second reason?"

"Understanding." Eirwen moved past her desk and leaned against the front of it. "I need to know what it feels like to be near breaking. So that I know how to resist it, know how to help people. To help him improve his methods. When we arrived here, almost going into a mana rampage taught me more than years of theory did. And there is one thing you should remember, Siress."

Her eyes turned stern. "Over twenty years. That's how long he's been using flame mana. Normally far more than I do these days. Many of his techniques employ it, due to how he can just keep going that way. But that means he has been holding back way more than I have. So I am pushing myself too far so I can understand better how it is to fight against the flame trying to consume your mind."

She turned back to a smile. "Those two reasons you can tell to others, Nantgate. I would like for more to know, so I don't have to repeat myself. The third reason, however, is a secret. If I tell you, that doesn't leave this room. Do you still want to know?"

The knight pretended to think that through for a few counts, before nodding. "Yes, your Grace. Because I too am trying to understand, so I can serve you better." Oh, smooth. And using her own words against her. Clever.

"Very well. The third reason is related to my relationship with my weapon master. The short and long of it is that I need him to feel a bit of pressure. You see, we both realised that our mental scars mean we need to take things slow. Otherwise, old habits resurface and we clash too much. If we didn't slow things down, our courtship would have resulted in a permanent break, emotional wounds we could not recover from. So we take it slow."

From the narrowing eyes, she felt like Nantgate was already beginning to draw a conclusion. Still, Eirwen continued explaining, for everyone's sake. "But it is too easy to take it too slow. To make no progress at all, out of wariness. If there is no pressure, I might die of old age before he finally dares make a move. So he needs a motivation."

Even without a mirror, Eirwen could tell there was something wicked about her big smile right now. "By keeping myself emotionally unstable, I put pressure on him. He knows I'm slowly deteriorating, so he cannot wait forever. I descend into madness slow enough for him not to rush, but fast enough that he cannot afford to wait too long. That is the only way to guarantee he is properly motivated. Isn't that so?"

Nantgate was confused for but two counts before realising why Eirwen was suddenly addressing empty air. Meanwhile, Eirwen chuckled. "No point in hiding. You may have improved your combat techniques during the war, but the only thing I faced was the risk of assassination. So I learned to sense far deeper than you've expected. I did tell you to stop eavesdropping on people, though."

The air shimmered as her hound's image appeared, as large and as detailed as the real thing. At once, Nantgate drew her sword as the doorguards flew through the door while doing the same. With three weapons aimed at him as they circled around, he simply shook his head with a sigh, then spoke, and Eirwen could tell he was projecting both his voice and sight from the image itself. "In my defence, you said to stop spying on friends and allies. Never banned me from spying on you, and with the way you were slipping, I worried."

His tone made very clear that he was the real thing, as did Eirwen's smile, but still her security kept position. She chuckled a little at the sight. "Very well, everyone. You're absolutely right to draw in this situation, but I'm fine with his presence. Besides," and she threw a quill at him which passed right through and clattered on the table, "he's not actually here so your swords won't help."

Reluctantly, they put their swords away and the doorguards left. Nantgate stayed, though. When both gave her a questioning eyebrow, she grumbled at them. "Order still stands, don't leave the two of you alone. Him being fake was never mentioned as exception."

He grinned at that. "Fair enough. You're right, Lleucu, my order still stands. So. Mo Stór. Knowing that I've been worrying for nothing, because you've just been pressuring me deliberately, I am proposing a change to your training regime. I would like you to use flame mana only once a week. However, on that day, you should push yourself far more, close to a mana rampage. That will better your insights, while being less of a burden on your mind."

She smiled at him, wanting to tease him a bit more. "But then I lose my way of pressuring you. What will you do if I refuse?"

He moved closer, close enough that if he had been real, she would have been able to feel his breath on her skin. "I wonder..." And with that, his lips, now feeling very real, touched hers as his tongue slipped through. It felt like the real thing, instantly drawing her in and melting away her self-control. He only withdrew when she needed air, gasping flushed as he just grinned at her.

"The thing is, I can touch you this way while you can't touch me back. This lets me frustrate you while keeping a safe distance. So, you have two options. Either I drive you truly mad, or you hold back and I promise to still pursue you. Which would you prefer?"

Nantgate grumbled as she noticed Eirwen hesitate. "You can still kiss him during your dates, your Grace. You could even just ask him to kiss you occasionally. So you really don't need to be tempted to annoy him just to get him to kiss you more." Her hound chuckled as Eirwen's face flushed at being called out.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. As she opened them again, she could see he already knew her answer. "I'll adjust my training schedule. But you'd better keep your word, Mo Cuishle. I'll make you suffer if you don't."

As he laughed and disappeared, Nantgate actually rolled her eyes before bowing and exiting the room, leaving Eirwen alone with her thoughts. She noticed he withdrew most of his senses at once, only leaving enough to observe without overhearing or overseeing things. Good, that way he wouldn't notice that her blush wouldn't recede. Her own fault for letting him kiss her that passionately.

She owed Nantgate an apology for making her witness that. Normally they'd get themselves a bit more privacy. But given the smile on the knight's face, she was one of those hoping that the two would rebuild their relationship soon.

With a deep sigh, Eirwen turned to her paperwork. Time to distract herself with reviewing the mountain plans. Plenty of time to feel embarrassed tomorrow.