Chapter 13.4

He took a deep breath, which terrified her, even though she saw love accompany the seriousness that came over him. "I have to start with that I do not deserve you. My crimes to you are unforgivable, and there is nothing I can do to properly make amends. Even if you ever were to forgive me, I don't believe I ever will, nor do I deserve so. The likes of me has no right to desire to be by your side."

Her heart hurt, and only the open look in his eyes helped her keep herself together. This wasn't him expressing why he was rejecting her, that would involve pain. The regret in his eyes was different from before. She kept her silence, awaiting where he was going with this.

"I also don't have the right to make decisions in your stead. Not because we are no longer equals," she flinched at the reminder how she had used that against him, "but because I forfeited that right, back when I didn't stand by you. So I may lack the right to desire being by your side, but I also lack the right to deny myself to you. I cannot decide in your stead. My heart is yours to command."

Eirwen released a breath she hadn't even realised she was holding, as he continued. "I am not saying that you can command my love. I love you, nothing has changed that. But my desire to be by your side conflicts with my guilt. As such, I simply cannot decide for myself. The choice is yours and as much as I already know the answer, it is yours to tell. Now that both our hearts are in turmoil, yet neither of us are out of control, do you still want me to be with you?"

"Yes." She sighed and collapsed on the desk. There was a grumble in her voice as she admonished him, unable to look him in the eyes. "Couldn't you have led with some of that? I was terrified you were about to reject me again." She glanced at him, seeing an apologetic look flash through his eyes.

"Forgive me, Eirwen." The mention of her name made her heart skip a beat. Oh, she was still helpless against him. "I felt I had to correct my statements from earlier tonight. It's not that I have no right to stand by your side, I simply lack the right to want that. And I had to emphasise that you aren't ordering me to love you, just ordering to push my guilt aside for your sake. I am sorry that for a few counts it made you hurt once more."

She sat back up and leaned against the seat. "So is that it? It feels like you have something else to tell me." She glared at him. "Don't tell me you secretly got someone pregnant." Like Aoife. Who mourns you as her true love. She knew the idea was ridiculous, but for a single count, the fear had hold on her.

He simply shook his head. "Not that, Mo Stór. It simply is that while I am not rejecting you, I do feel like we need to slow things down for now." If Lady Róisín hadn't prepared her, that might have still made her spiral, despite his reassurances. Now, she agreed with what he meant. "We need to take our time to rebuild our relationship. For now, I feel we shouldn't be lovers. But I would love to begin as your suitor."

He flashed her a playful grin that pulled on her heart as if it were a lute for him to serenade her with. She quickly rose to her feet, walking around the desk to get closer to him and then what? Why? To make sure it was real, that he wouldn't just flee again? Or so she could distract herself from blushing like back when she had first truly developed a strong crush on him? She wasn't sure. 

She stood before him, close enough to be within arm's reach, far away enough to be able to easily look him in the eyes, despite the three digits he stood taller than her. Part of her wanted to kiss him. She held it back and asked him a question instead. "So how should we handle this then?"

He scratched his head. "I'm not entirely sure. Flirt gently at first, then build it up over time? And no flirting when either of us has used too much mana and isn't in full control of our emotions?" He flashed a quick grin. "I just hope it won't take as much time as it took between our betrothal and our first night together."

Gods, she wanted him. Not because of a lack of self-control, simply because his teasing smile brought her back to their past courting. But he was right that they should take this slow. There was a playful twinkle in his eyes as he reached for her chin, and it distracted her enough that she didn't realise until he already kissed her.

She closed her eyes at the gentle touch. Not even his tongue got involved, yet it robbed her of her resistance. And her restraint. He withdrew and smiled. "Sorry, I had to get my fill while I still could. I promise I'll behave from now on."

Eirwen moved fast. Even as he was still finishing his sentence, she grabbed his arm, then threw him, much like how he had thrown her the day before. As he landed on the desk with a painful groan, she threw herself up. By the time her doorguards barged through the door, she was already mounting him, his wrists pinned to the desk. One look at her face and they withdrew to give her privacy.

She smiled sweetly at him. "I spent hours plotting ways to make sure we manage to keep our hands to ourselves, steeling my heart to the idea that I will need to make you satisfy your needs elsewhere, and you just go and steal a kiss from me. Why do I bother restraining myself if that is what you do."

He gulped as he looked up at her. "Eirwen... We did cover why this is a bad idea, didn't we?"

"So? Didn't stop you from kissing me. Besides, look at me, properly. Do you think this is a case of an emotional rampage?" He studied her carefully as she smiled, then shook his head. Of course not. She had barely used any flame mana this day, especially not in the time since he rejected her.

"But Eirwen-" She grabbed her clothing and pulled them off over her head, showing her upper body to him. His breath caught and she knew it wasn't because of her shape looming above him. No, he had finally noticed the white heart she was wearing, the symbol of her mourning the loss of her betrothed. It was slightly cruel to show him now, but she needed him to surrender.

She gave him an innocent, pleading look. "Are you rejecting me, Mo Chéadsearc?" His breath caught once more when she called him her one true love. Two could play the game of weaponising the old loving terms they had used for each other. He though for a few counts before shaking his head and ceasing his resistance to her hold. Good, she had him.

"There is one mistake in your idea. If we train together, we may lose control at the same time. That means one of us needs the ability to control themself, to be able to rebuff the other's advances. Which requires eliminating some of the temptation. So you will have to make sure you manage your frustrations. Protect your chest, please."

She used the technique he had shown her to Verglas her fingernail, slowly cutting through his shirt, while he defended his skin, making sure she didn't accidentally drew blood. He used the moment to voice his conclusion. "So... You wish for me to bed others, to be able to keep my urges under control?"

"Only those of your own standing, and with restrictions. For example, I won't allow you to take anyone in your own bed. But before we discuss the details, I say it's time for me to get my fill. Maybe a kiss works for you, knowing it will only take that much time before I accept the first kiss from you, my new suitor. But it will take far longer before I can partake in your body, so I desperately need my fill now."

Her hands moved down, starting to find hold on his pants. "Also, since you already had your fill, I will not grant you a release. If you need any, I guess you'll have to accept the conditions I'm placing. Now give me a hand with our pants, please."

She grinned as his hands moved to help. Lady Róisín had misunderstood one thing. Eirwen had gone mad from love a long time ago. All she was doing now was repeat some of their moments. And he fell for it, for her, freely giving up without even being commanded to do so. So now it was time for her to chase her satisfaction, then set him loose. She should feel pained by the idea. But knowing she was marking him as hers right now, she surprisingly cared little about the prospect.

Eirwen bent forward, their torsos touching as she whispered in his ear. "Make sure to satisfy me while controlling yourself. You aren't allowed to find any release with me."

"As you command, Mo Chroí." The term still made her heart flutter. Still, at least he gave her the attention she desired. It wasn't until over half an hour later that she let him leave.