Chapter 26.1

The days after, Eirwen caught herself falling into a rhythm. After a day where she intensely used flame mana, she would take a rest day, then a day with normal training, before a day where she focused on flame mana again. On her rest days, her hound would give her space, waiting for her to regain her self-control. When the day approached that he could indulge in others again, Eirwen abstained from flame mana, already noticing both of them were struggling to keep their distance. It was noticeable enough that advisors, knights, servants, even normal soldiers and guards all caught on.

It felt unlike her, and made her feel ashamed. For years she had managed to keep up her mask, acting as the cold ruler that was in full control. Yet now she clearly struggled, due to her constant use of flame mana deteriorating her self-control. Every passing day made her agree with Lady Róisín more, that her hound must always have been mad, given how oft he used those. He just hid it well.

Then again, he struggled too and all could tell. Sure, the servants gossiped, some looking forward to having him partake in their flesh. Yet at the same time, Eirwen overheard those same people finding delight in his occasional blush in her presence. It felt strange, that those she could be jealous of, were rooting for the two of them at the same time that they were plotting how to enjoy him best. Though they all expected the arrangement to be temporary, so something to enjoy while it lasted.

On the morning of the day itself, she caught her hound preparing to send Aoife to her early, to better distract her. She quickly went over for a word with him. "Hound, with me. Vicomtesse, I'll see you at dinner." With those words she dragged him off to the war room, where she quickly sent out Ailbe and others, to provide them with privacy in a place where she wouldn't be reminded of her head on his lap or his lips on hers.

She sighed and shook her head at him, while verifying nobody could overhear them. "Please be more careful. I understand you want me distracted, but if you give me time alone with her, I worry she'll be victim of my lack of control instead." She blushed at the admission.

He blinked in turn, slow on the uptake compared to normally. "Ah... I did not think of that. Apologies. Should I sent over Lleucu instead during the day?" She observed him carefully. Guilt, love, worry, so many emotions swirling in his eyes. But no jealousy, not even a hint. She buried the thought and nodded her approval.

His hand reached for her face, gently, carefully. She leaned into it and closed her eyes. His voice was tender as he spoke. "Mo Stór. If you want, we can end this arrangement. You don't have to hold back for my sake."

Her eyes shot open and she fought the urge to run away from him. "No! No. I'm sorry, no. I... I'm not ready. And neither are you. Please don't ask me to risk losing you again. Give me time, to understand you better."

She closed her eyes and leaned against his hand again. "Let me get to know you better. Let me understand you. Please. Let me take it slow. I don't even care about what you'll do tonight. I only care about not losing you a fifth time. I don't think my heart can take it. Just stay by my side and come for me when you feel you're ready."

He kept silent, softly stroking her cheek as an answer. They stayed like that for a moment before he asked. "Fifth time?"

She nodded, eyes now opening and looking at him, his pain reflecting her own. Gods, she loved him so much that she still hated him. "When I heard you had sided with your father. When you threw your life away instead of giving me a chance to save you. When I snapped over your manipulations and forbade you from speaking my name. And when you rejected me out of guilt. Please. No more." She didn't need to plead, she could tell from the growing conviction in his eyes. But she still wanted to.

He carefully leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Worry not, Mo Chroí. I will come for you, once I am ready. I too do not want to lose you ever again."

He stepped back, removing his hand from her face, half a smile on his face. "But right now I need to withdraw, because I can feel myself losing control." She saw madness in his eyes, realised he meant it. He wanted to throw himself at her but realised full well he wasn't ready yet to face his own guilt. "I'll see you in two days. Try not to get too drunk, unless you really need it. I love you."

Her breath hitched at that, freezing up at those words he hadn't spoken to her in person for over five years. Using the opportunity, he quickly withdrew. Not fair. Not fair for him to ambush her like this. She would need hours to hide her blush.

Ailbe and the others returned and she distracted herself by discussing the current state of affairs with them. They were completely professional, not mentioning her flushed state at all. She was grateful for that. But she really couldn't help but notice the contrast, as her hound still managed to keep his most intense emotions hidden. He'd have to teach her how he hid his madness so well. 

Siress Nantgate came over and waited obediently, even joining in on the conversation at times. It seems she had a great eye for economics, a talent Eirwen had never been able to notice during all those years of war. Eirwen quietly pledged to get to know her knights better, even though with the influx of new ones she would need to spend a lot of time doing so.

That evening, Aoife held Eirwen company, distracting her from the weapon master's activities. It was very clear, however, that Aoife still worried about the plan to go into the mountains. 

"Look, all I'm saying is that my father didn't even dare let us go there. I asked, so I could maybe help there, but he forbade me. He said the giants are a big threat even with our defensive technique. I'm worried that you going in a small group will endanger you greatly." 

"I understand, but I must go. With an army, I won't be able to properly grasp the current state, so a small group under cloak is the only way. And besides, I want him to show me his remaining sides, so I understand him better. So that I won't lash out any more."

Aoife shook her head at that, but she let the subject pass with worry in her eyes. They discussed other subjects as the night went on. Evaluating the prospect knights, how to respond to Duchess Ashwood wishing to come over and train together again, rumours from their friends regarding the crown feeling unsupported against Eirwen, and so on. The bottom of the bottle came sooner than expected, but after enough time for them to go to bed without worry.

The next day went by quickly, Eirwen busying herself with observing the knight training and reading through the supply plans for their future mountains trip. She couldn't help but notice, though, that Nantgate was observing her very closely. The look in her eyes betrayed that the knight was preparing herself, but as to what, Eirwen didn't know yet. Night arrived and the knight still hadn't made a move.

On the second day, Eirwen's hound took her on a date again. This time, they visited a massive beehive and stole a small amount of it. It was a delightful thrill, though secretly she wanted far more than the chaste kisses he was giving her.

This too was observed by Siress Nantgate, who paid close attention to Eirwen's eyes. The one thing she had a hard time lying with, as Nantgate had clearly realised. Part of Eirwen wanted to just confront the knight, but she felt like it helped the knight improve, so she pretended not to notice. Once more, the knight didn't make her move.

On the third day, Siress Nantgate finally approached Eirwen. Her steps weren't uncertain, like they had been when she had aimed to tell about the weapon master's late night activities. No, she walked as if she had a purpose. It seemed she had managed to gather her courage and resolve.