Chapter 36.1

The room was well lit, lanterns hanging everywhere and a fireplace providing warmth from behind Eirwen. The curtains were blocking all light from outside, not that there was much of it an hour past sunset, with the windows solely overseeing the inner courtyard. With all the lights inside, it was easy for her to oversee the flattened relief of the mountains on the table.

It had been three days since they had rented out this tavern, paying handsomely for staff to stay out of Eirwen's way. Her entourage ate two meals a day in the main hall, while she remained holed up in the private room, working on a map of the territory. Keeping Red away from her while she worked, having him run errands and meet with former comrades. Tonight he was drinking with a group at an inn nearby, though his senses still lingered on her.

Bethan was by her side as always, remaining silent and observing. Sir Caerbychan and Siress Nantgate were as well, staying with her during every waking hour. They too mostly remained silent, only idly chatting whenever they had water and some snacks. They took their roles as additional doorguards very serious. 

There were a few raps on her door, her real doorguards announcing Fang's desire to come in. She gave a nod to Caerbychan and Nantgate. They knocked twice in turn, then opened the door. The mountain guide entered, coming across as a bit nervous. Eirwen greeted her first. "Good evening, Fang. I'm a bit surprised to see you, not out drinking with Red?"

"Nah, not me." Fang briefly nodded at the knights and Bethan in greeting. Just the five of them in the room, yet it already felt cramped to Eirwen. It shouldn't, normally it could host two dozen dining together. "Today's group is one he hunted wolves with for a few months, before he fought by my side. I know a few of them, but don't interact with them much. So yeah, not really my party tonight, as fun as it is to drink and snack on Red's dime."

She leaned against a wall as she looked at the table. "So this is the map, eh? It looks even more magnificent than people described. I can easily recognise all the places I ventured to, and then some. Looks really representative."

"Thank you. I've been letting people use a memory crystal to help out there, aiding them in depicting their memories of the terrain. As you can see, there's still some gaps, but with the various people we recruited help of, it's coming along nicely."

"I heard you had people come here, yes. Not Red, though. I've noticed you're keeping him at arm's length these days. What is it, five days since you offed Ulchel? All this time, you've only let him near during breakfast and at night." She sounded worried. It was touching, though uncomfortable, to receive that kind of care. Even though they had fought together, and even though Fang had recently shared tales of growing up in the mountains, the guide still partially felt like a stranger.

It wasn't fair and Eirwen knew it. The real reason simply was her own mental state, indeed trying to keep people at a distance. But that wasn't the case with Red. "I need him to keep that distance, so that people don't associate my decisions with him. Keep his name out of things. So yes, I've been keeping a distance."

Bethan snorted. "Oh, is that what you call your nightly activities? I've seen the blushes on the knights' faces from what they overhear while standing guard outside your room. The very instant your monthly courses ended, the two of you were at it as if you were newlyweds."

Normally, that would have lured out a blush and a complaint towards the healer. Not today, though. "You know what I meant. I need people to see him without me, see him as his own person rather than my lapdog. Especially now that his true identity is known by all."

"So why not hand him Crimson, then?" Bethan wasn't the first to make the suggestion. "Because of that trash Warden, they now know you own his sword. If they see him walk around with it, it might improve how they see you."

Eirwen shook her head at that. "I can't. He gave that sword to me as a symbol of his surrender. I cannot return it until the time is right, or else the crown might assume I'm preparing to hand Iceheart back over to him."

"Right!" Fang interrupted the gloomy mood with a playful tone. "Since we're discussing depressing subjects anyway, I had a question!" She turned more serious, the smile on her face now worried. "How come you always keep a wall at your back?" Of course she had noticed.

Before Eirwen could decide on an answer, Fang continued. "You stay in a room with guards at the front and an escape path in the back, but the curtains blocking the view. Red buys food from different places every day, as if to prevent people from preparing poison. You only drink well water and clear alcohol, anything that will instantly reveal any contamination. Your sword never leaves your side, nor do your knights. And Red is still helping you with your nightmares, exhausting himself enough to require afternoon naps every day. You're living your life in fear, miss Snow."

It felt strangely comforting to be called by her alias right now. Fang's eyes turned kind, a look she had seen plenty of times on Bethan's face. "People come to the mountains to escape things. Some return, some die, some survive. We mountain guides help as best as we can, normally without prying. But you're hurting, and I wish to help. Tell me, miss, what is it you're running from?"

"Everything." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Everything, really. The pressure of having to guide two dukedoms into peaceful unification. My moniker of the Duchess of Ice, a constant reminder of how I had to rule in wartime. Having to treat him as nameless and powerless, so that none will be able to force him away from me with claims of usurpation."

She looked up at Fang, seeing a shocked look arise on Bethan's face from the corner of her eyes. Ah, her facial expression must look horrible then. "The memory of my parents dying in front of me, being powerless to stop it. Commanding my people to fight a war I knew we couldn't win, only to find my beloved as my mortal enemy. Everything."

She clenched the table edge, looking down at it, as she could not bear to look anyone in the eye. "They say the first order of the Duchess of Ice was a declaration of war. In reality, I ordered a knight to bring my mother's body closer, so that my father could hold her hand as he breathed his last in my arms. I still cannot bear the sight of the Verglas estate, as everything there reminds me of that moment. I hated being trapped there in the latter part of the war. I hate how he forced me to hide in the one place I wanted to avoid. Even knowing that he did it to protect me, even though he couldn't have known, I cannot help but hate him for putting me through that."

Eirwen heard their hard gulps, looked up and saw their concern. For her, but also for him. "Don't worry. He's not listening. He's been giving me privacy these days, only observing mana, not eavesdropping inside this room. He only has sight on what's directly outside these walls."

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, still unwilling to look anyone in the eye. "I loved the Flameheart estate. Even though I knew the people hated me, that I had to gain their loyalty, the nights in his study were the best I had in years. Not having to walk around and remember my mother's laugh as she told me silly secrets, or be faced with the memory of my father's smile as I told him all about the time I spent with Aodhán. Knowing that my beloved was watching over me, on my side at last, opening his heart to me. It finally was letting me heal."

Next she snarled. "And then came the crown and the corrupted mage. Both of them trying to drive a wedge in. Making clear that even there, I wasn't safe. Exposing that my one true love had hidden his true madness from me, that his greatest regret was not dying by his father's hand the very moment he found out about the war. Tainting even the place where I was finally starting to feel welcome." Her look softened. "Yet it brought us closer, and solidified the loyalty I had won. Making clear to the crown that the West was mine, not theirs, to rule."

With another sigh she leaned back against the wall. "I still knew there were sides of him I hadn't seen. I hoped the mountains would let me meet those. But also hoped that here, where he still had a name, where he still had friends, just for a few months we could pretend to forget. Pretend he wasn't nameless and in my eternal service. Pretend I wasn't the Duchess and he wasn't the former Duke. And just for a while I had that, until an arrogant warden intervened. Confronting me with all the things I had wanted to leave behind, just so I could spend more time with him."

She looked Fang right in the eyes. "You ask me why I always watch my back. Because I remember all these assassination plots and I learned that I, and my loved ones, are not safe anywhere. And as much as I pretended otherwise, even these mountains are a threat to me. That is why I watch my back. And what I failed to run away from. Does that answer your questions?"

Faced with her pain, all Fang could do was nod. Eirwen closed her eyes, forcing down her pain for a moment. She'd have nightmares tonight.